Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Randomize
