we have pet lesbian snakes
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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