On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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