Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
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