she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
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