I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Randomize