it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
