a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
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