I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
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