youre lurking in front of me
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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