anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
