to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
