Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
