I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
