Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
