you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
