Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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