When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
