I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
