tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
