I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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