Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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