The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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