Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
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