I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
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