so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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