if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
