Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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