Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
