youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
