my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
