you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
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