Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
well I can't set my house on fire every night
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Randomize
