when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
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