he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
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