That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
