3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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