How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
