Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize