I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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