upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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