ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
