my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
