he wants to bone in the snuggie
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize