I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
