He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
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