How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Randomize
