I'm going to jail i love you
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Randomize
