You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
