He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Randomize
