The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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