you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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