Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
