Im at strip club and am horny
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
