Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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