Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
