ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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