ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
